Size 20

So yes, I’m size 20 – an incontrovertible fact
I’m way past cuddly and curvy, so let’s just call me fat.

“She must be greedy and lazy, to let herself get to that size”
they speak without understanding, one day they may realise.

It’s so much more than just eating – this chaos that lives in my brain
compounded of joyful memories, and bottomless buckets of pain.

The food is only a symptom of things I cannot control
for though I am shattered and broken, once I was boundlessly whole.

I know it is not the real answer, to things that go “bump in the night”
but just for those few tiny moments, food makes some of it right.

I’ve searched for other solutions, but to food I keep coming back
so look deeper than just my surface – my pain is displayed in my fat.

© ceenoa

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14 thoughts on “Size 20

  1. shazzameena 14/08/2014 / 7:40 pm

    Echoes of that pain resounding in this corner of the world.

    Like

    • Claudette 15/08/2014 / 8:03 am

      Thank you, Pain is everywhere and transforms into strange shapes. Luckily happiness can also do that. Best wishes

      Like

  2. Nida S. 14/08/2014 / 10:56 pm

    This was heartfelt. Here’s where empathy comes in I think. We can’t judge anyone for who they are or what they appear outwardly. I hope you learn to drown out people’s harsh and useless remarks. And may you find peace within yourself. You are beautiful and nobody should make you think otherwise.

    Like

    • Claudette 15/08/2014 / 8:04 am

      Nida, thanks for your kind words. Moments overtake us and we feel defeated, but days wake can change a perspective. Mostly it is my own comments that impact myself, so I wallow some days, and swim the others.

      Like

  3. Thewitch 14/08/2014 / 11:45 pm

    Big hugs, my gorgeous girl!! People are only spiteful to cover up for their own shortfalls!! We all have our own coping mechanisms, although I admit that my choice of baccy chewing whilst wearing dungarees and playing the banjo have not gone down well with the kids!!! 😀

    Like

    • Claudette 15/08/2014 / 8:05 am

      Oh, you make me smile. I have missed you so much. Thanks for that mental picture, I will carry it through the day with me and people will think I am weird when I burst out giggling for no apparent reason. 🙂

      Like

  4. skybright1 15/08/2014 / 4:51 pm

    so ya gotta get rid of the pain by letting it go, then the fat will disappear! well written poem!

    Like

    • Claudette 15/08/2014 / 7:36 pm

      ah, if only it was that simple 🙂 Life is what it is, as we all know.

      Like

  5. Muzzy 15/08/2014 / 8:10 pm

    G’day Claudette,
    People who use personal issues as bullets are only trying to avoid their own demons not the least being empathy, just smile and confuse the hell out of them next time

    Like

    • Claudette 16/08/2014 / 5:23 pm

      Thanks Muzzy, that is true,. It wasn’t a particular thing that happened to me, rather something that happens. I am the only one who gets to denigrate myself 🙂

      Like

  6. hya21 16/08/2014 / 10:59 pm

    I loved your expression in this poem. I’ve never thought that it was easy.

    Like

    • Claudette 17/08/2014 / 9:28 am

      Thank you for commenting. A politician, many decades ago, in my country said “life wasn’t meant to be easy” – sometimes it is truer than others 🙂

      Like

Happiness is kind words from a friend .....

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