Size 20

So yes, I’m size 20 – an incontrovertible fact
I’m way past cuddly and curvy, so let’s just call me fat.

“She must be greedy and lazy, to let herself get to that size”
they speak without understanding, one day they may realise.

It’s so much more than just eating – this chaos that lives in my brain
compounded of joyful memories, and bottomless buckets of pain.

The food is only a symptom of things I cannot control
for though I am shattered and broken, once I was boundlessly whole.

I know it is not the real answer, to things that go “bump in the night”
but just for those few tiny moments, food makes some of it right.

I’ve searched for other solutions, but to food I keep coming back
so look deeper than just my surface – my pain is displayed in my fat.

© ceenoa

14 responses to “Size 20”

  1. Echoes of that pain resounding in this corner of the world.


    1. Thank you, Pain is everywhere and transforms into strange shapes. Luckily happiness can also do that. Best wishes


  2. This was heartfelt. Here’s where empathy comes in I think. We can’t judge anyone for who they are or what they appear outwardly. I hope you learn to drown out people’s harsh and useless remarks. And may you find peace within yourself. You are beautiful and nobody should make you think otherwise.


    1. Nida, thanks for your kind words. Moments overtake us and we feel defeated, but days wake can change a perspective. Mostly it is my own comments that impact myself, so I wallow some days, and swim the others.


  3. Big hugs, my gorgeous girl!! People are only spiteful to cover up for their own shortfalls!! We all have our own coping mechanisms, although I admit that my choice of baccy chewing whilst wearing dungarees and playing the banjo have not gone down well with the kids!!! 😀


    1. Oh, you make me smile. I have missed you so much. Thanks for that mental picture, I will carry it through the day with me and people will think I am weird when I burst out giggling for no apparent reason. 🙂


      1. You are welcome!! My job here is done!! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  4. so ya gotta get rid of the pain by letting it go, then the fat will disappear! well written poem!


    1. ah, if only it was that simple 🙂 Life is what it is, as we all know.


  5. G’day Claudette,
    People who use personal issues as bullets are only trying to avoid their own demons not the least being empathy, just smile and confuse the hell out of them next time


    1. Thanks Muzzy, that is true,. It wasn’t a particular thing that happened to me, rather something that happens. I am the only one who gets to denigrate myself 🙂


  6. I loved your expression in this poem. I’ve never thought that it was easy.


    1. Thank you for commenting. A politician, many decades ago, in my country said “life wasn’t meant to be easy” – sometimes it is truer than others 🙂


  7. […] love this little “On This Day” thing on FB, and today it gave me this one. Here is the link to the original post.  It was great to read some of the nice comments left, and downright weird to […]


Happiness is kind words from a friend …..

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