Size 20

So yes, I’m size 20 – an incontrovertible fact
I’m way past cuddly and curvy, so let’s just call me fat.

“She must be greedy and lazy, to let herself get to that size”
they speak without understanding, one day they may realise.

It’s so much more than just eating – this chaos that lives in my brain
compounded of joyful memories, and bottomless buckets of pain.

The food is only a symptom of things I cannot control
for though I am shattered and broken, once I was boundlessly whole.

I know it is not the real answer, to things that go “bump in the night”
but just for those few tiny moments, food makes some of it right.

I’ve searched for other solutions, but to food I keep coming back
so look deeper than just my surface – my pain is displayed in my fat.

© ceenoa